A Note from Men to Women
Life Lessons: Female Behavior
Party’s Over Ladies
We will no longer tolerate the following female behavior
By: Mike Zimmerman
1. You say to us, “You’re not romantic anymore.” Fine, we’ll try harder. But only if you agree to initiate once in a while, too. Deal?
2. Then there’s “You never listen.” This is not an inherently male trait. I mean, how many times does a guy have to explain the infield-fly rule?
3. No, you don’t look fat. Did we mention how you never listen?
4. If you ask our opinion, please don’t get mad when we give it. The color of the curtains shouldn’t be a referendum on our relationship.
5. It’s just a spider, for Pete’s sake. Step on it.
6. We worked a 60-hour week, took out the garbage, did the dishes, paid the bills, walked the dog, changed the oil, picked up the dry cleaning, read to the kids, and gave you equal time. All we’re asking for is 3 hours on the couch on Sunday.
7. No more deflecting responsibility for crummy behavior with cute and kittenish responses. You can’t giggle your way out of trouble anymore.
8. You know damn well what we’re doing in there. Stop asking.
9. Forget the notion that raising kids is harder than maintaining gainful employment. More important? Yes. But harder? No.
10. If you continue to dump on our best friend, we will probe the (many) character tics of all your friends.
11. If you want to have kids, you have to have sex. This is not a com-plaint. This is science.
12. Somewhere, somehow, women were sold this idea of “fashionably late.” Men don’t get this. Make up a fashion emergency if you must, but don’t ask us to be intentionally tardy. It’s like asking us to kick the host in the groin.
13. Yes, that woman is hot. Yes, we appreciate beauty. That’s why we’re with you.
14. We do listen. And empathize. But when your troubles have been analyzed until there’s nothing left to talk about, can we please stop talking about them?
15. If we fell in love with you when you had long hair, we’re going to want you to keep your long hair until death do us part. We’ll beg, but would prefer not to.
16. As for commitment ultimatums, just address numbers 1 through 15 on this list, then we’ll talk.